This is what happens when free WordPress accounts only let you pick from a small number of non-customizable blog formats. It seems that I’m sharing a style sheet with one Maurice Clarett, the tailback from Ohio State’s 2002 national championship team. He has not stepped foot on a gridiron since, however, after a series of academic and criminal misadventures that eventually led to his incarceration at Toledo Correctional Institution for robbery and weapons violations.
Yes … apparently Ohio’s prisons have Internet access. Who knew? Regardless, based on the postings, it seems it’s done him some good. Apparently he’ll be up for early release shortly — perhaps in time to restart his career.
Adventures in Blog Templates
Posted in Other on 27 February 2009 by JohnnyLiveblogging the Non-SOTU SOTU
Posted in News on 24 February 2009 by JohnnyThat’s “State of the Union” for the uninitiated. You’ll get updates once the Hope-monger gets rolling. In the mean time, today’s Dilbert strip pretty well captures the zeitgeist:
8:40: Yes, I’m still alive. Twitter, you see, is a very seductive mistress.
9:00: The cavalcade begins.
9:03: Nobody electrifies a room quite like the Supremes. No, not them. The black robe types.
9:05: Sec. Geithner arrives: the face that launched a billion sell orders.
9:11: And here we go. Obama starts working the crowd. Very. Slowly.
9:13: The meet and greet continues. Shelby, Hatch, Clinton, Roberts.
9:15: He brought manila envelopes! He’s such a cheapskate on gifts.
9:16: Okay, somebody didn’t rehearse. Maybe Obama just subconsciously makes everybody flub ceremonial pronouncements?
9:18: MSNBC broke out an annoying voter reaction meter doohickey. Somebody sure told him to be uplifting out of the gate, didn’t they?
9:20: Obama: To make myself look better, I’m gonna tell you everything that Dubya did wrong. And what a list it is.
9:23: He’s got an agenda! Who knew? In case you didn’t know what the party line in seating arrangements was, I guess you know now.
9:24: This “save or create” thing is a total CYA operation. In other news, it’d be great if the stimulus bill would actually do those things you just said.
9:25: Mitch McConnell may actually be a Jim Henson puppet.
9:26: “Nobody messes with Joe!” Damn straight, bitches.
9:27: The people MSNBC got for its ratings totally weren’t a representative sample. Their “Obama voters” only like his soaring rhetoric and they must have found the most liberal “McCain voters” they could. The latter are giving higher marks than the former.
9:28: Okay, here we go. Actual policy prescriptions. GOP sits inert, Dems cheer wildly. Wait … now, less inert. We already heard about the housing plan (which sounds suspiciously like a Ditech ad), but what was that consumer loan facility he was talking about back there?
9:30: Um … Richard Shelby fell asleep. Seriously?
9:31: “The cost of action will be great, but the costs of inaction would be greater.” Mmmph. Are you sure? Can we see your work there?
9:32: Some guy behind Sen. Specter was leafing through a program. Who knew those existed? Is there a Playbill for this thing?
9:33: Obama is slathering the populist rhetoric on pretty thick here, even for him. In other news, at least he can explain the multiplier effect accurately.
9:34: Some boos from the peanut gallery on a call for new regulation. Will he give us some specifics here?
9:35: Charlie Rangel may actually be dead.
9:36: The prez sees his budget as a vision … which is a pretty high bar to set for a phone book-sized bureaucratic monstrosity.
9:37: Obama: Remember all that awesome stuff government did before most of you were born? Well we can do it again — despite all evidence to the contrary!
9:38: Energy, health care, and education. Yeah, yeah, important stuff. Does Pelosi have a spring built into her chair or what? She is WAY too eager to jump up and applaud.
9:39: Well that’s great and all, man, but America doesn’t have a comparative advantage in manufacturing anymore. Get over it.
9:41: Oooh, the car industry is going to be “re-imagined”! Does that involve Steve Jobs? In other news, I don’t think we actually did invent the automobile.
9:43: Okay, but what IS health care reform? It seems to mean spending more money. (Lay off the Red Bull, Nancy.)
9:44: I think Obama’s getting frustrated. His soaring oratory doesn’t work so well when people want to give him a standing ovation every 30 seconds.
9:45: When did Teddy Roosevelt talk about health care? And does that mean that we’ll actually fix health care this year, or that this will be the last year of the American civilization? Because, honestly, that’s a coin flip in terms of plausibility.
9:46: Yeah. Education good. Got it.
9:47: Geez, again with the “reform.”
9:48: On being a HS dropout: “You’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on this country.” That’s … honestly creeping me out a little bit … kind of a propagandistic, totalitarian flourish.
9:49: Yeah, you’re on camera, Hatch. Wake up. So if you clean up a park, do you get a 90% off coupon for Harvard or what?
9:51: Now we see if Obama has any actual plans to reduce the deficit … or if he’s just gonna say it emptily. Damn, it’s nice to see some levity in these things. Bush and Clinton were so dour.
9:53: Wait … you’ve identified $2 trillion in savings? Really? Damn. Maybe you actually did do more than throw some lip service into this. Still nowhere near enough, but it’s something.
9:55: Yeah, that “no tax hikes under $250K/year” bit isn’t … entirely accurate. But really, if you’re not gonna suddenly eliminate social security or anything, you’re gonna need those taxes.
9:56: Obama gets some brownie points from me for not pulling crazy accounting tricks in the budget. Guess what: Six years in, Iraq isn’t still “emergency spending.”
9:58: Looks like he’s wrapping it up with the military stuff. He’s not putting his decision to set a 19-month timetable for withdrawal of combat troops from Iraq into this thing tonight, which is … strange.
9:59: Let’s not have vets starving and dying. Can we get on that?
10:00: It’s still sad that we have to make a big deal out of not torturing people. I mean, really, that’s kinda like your fire department expecting gratitude for not setting your house on fire.
10:02: Why the hell did they just cut to Sully?
10:03: Breaking News: Ayn Rand has just rolled over in her grave after hearing that story about the bank president.
10:05: Well played, random South Carolina girl.
10:06: See, Obama actually enjoys this job. That is an improvement — you got the sense that Dubya never really wanted to run the country and would have much preferred to just walk away from Washington in mid-2007 and never come back.
10:08: Alright then. Sappy, but a good finish.
10:10: Off to the media: Keith Olbermann is just going crazy with adulation, tapping the “crisis as opportunity” vein. David Gergen and John King are besides themselves with the scope of Obama’s ambition. Carl Cameron … previews Gov. Jindal’s response.
10:15: He’s freakin’ signing autographs!
10:18: Looking back to thoughts on FNC: Outside of O’Reilly/Hannity, they generally don’t come at you all-out with their bias. They’ll play issues straight, but choose very carefully what they will talk about, upgrading and downgrading the importance of things based on how they want to shape the news. Along with their ever-popular format of “Some people (i.e. everyone) believe X, but other people (who are completely discredited by everyone else) disagree! We’ll give it to you fair and balanced!” news pieces, they insidiously portray neutrality with a straight face.
10:20: Okay, enough negativity from Brit Hume. Let’s hear Rachel Maddow gush!
10:22: I guess we’re serious about energy conservation: Most of the lights in the House chamber are already out.
10:24: Um, the Governor’s Mansion in Louisiana is a plantation house? Does it still come with slaves? MSNBC can’t even disguise their disgust at Jindal, who … sounds way goofier than he did on Meet the Press two days ago. He’s talking to me like I’m in kindergarten.
10:26: Americans cannot do anything. I’m sorry, but no.
10:27: So you Republicans have got ideas, eh? Care to share them?
10:27: No, Bobby, not in the form of a story about Hurricane Katrina.
10:28: Yeah, you knew there was a bad “storm” metaphor out there.
10:29: Okay, a train from LA to Vegas and volcano monitoring systems seem like very good things to spend money on, compared with the alternatives. Will you quit it?
10:30: Tax cuts. Got it.
10:31: Is the GOP too poor to hire good writers?
10:32: I swear, if you say that line one more –
10:33: *sigh* I thought you were a thoughtful, principled conservative that I could respect. Not so much now.
10:34: You find hope in the American people, Bobby? Have you met some of us?
10:34: I really don’t think most of the GOP is as bothered by spending as its leaders are assuming that they are.
10:35: Did you really just try to say that Obama isn’t being hopeful enough, Bobby?
10:36: There’s your big 9/11 reference. You … really should stop that. And we are NOT the freest society on earth.
10:37: Okay. Thank goodness that’s over. Maddow is absolutely speechless and beside herself, it seems.
10:38: Over on FNC, even Krauthammer wasn’t impressed by Jindal, which should be like throwing a rock into the ocean from the beach. Chuckles tries to lower expectations and … talked about the nice room.
10:40: Well, I guess we now know how Democrats ended up in power. That … was stark. Good night, everybody.
Presidential Primetime Presser (Yay Alliteration!)
Posted in News on 9 February 2009 by Johnny8:00: Lock and load. Let’s see what the kid’s got.
8:02: I guess they got some folks to show up for this thing. Incidentally, this is a wonderful pitch for the Elkhart Chamber of Commerce. Who knew Indiana was a Third World country?
8:03: I don’t think people disagree that this is a crisis, Barack. We’re not stupid. That doesn’t mean they can’t disagree about the means to fix it.
8:04: So is there some website I can hit up to figure out whether I actually benefit from any of those tax cuts you just listed?
8:06: Wait. Are you sure 90% of the jobs created by this thing (assuming they actually exist) will be in the private sector? Isn’t a huge chunk of this aid to state and local governments? Y’know, like those teachers and firefighters you just talked about. In a perfect world, you’d use the money to force municipal consolidation, but I doubt anyone has even suggested that to you.
8:07: Really? No earmarks? You may have … a very, very narrow definition of earmarks. Reassuringly, you are not proclaiming this bill to be infallible. Frighteningly, that means you’re basically throwing this out there on a wing and a prayer, aren’t you?
8:08: If we don’t sign this thing by Friday … the world explodes! (Or we just won’t have a bill for a while. Did you know Congress gets a full week off for Presidents’ Day? WTF?)
8:10: Anyone think he’ll get an A-Rod question? Obama now tries to walk the fine line between “OMG we’re all gonna die! Fix it fix it fix it!” and “Don’t lose confidence, consumers!” Quite messy.
8:12: Is the president actually tacitly acknowledging the existence of libertarians? Shocking.
8:13: Wait. We’re $1 trillion short in consumption demand? Damn. That’s … a lot.
8:14: We were going to have the Geithner plan today, but it was pushed back for some reason. Why didn’t he show up for this thing too? Maybe he doesn’t want Joe Six-Pack to watch that unveiling.
8:15: We totally won’t know if this plan “saved” any jobs … because they’ll still be there. Was that just a five-minute answer? Wow.
8:17: Alright, Iran. Obama: “Iran is a country.” Glad we cleared that up. He seems uncharacteristically halting and unbalanced in giving pretty routine talking points here, basically saying that he’s new and it’s gonna take a little while. I don’t think he thought they were going foreign policy on question #2.
8:19: He’s still going with this. At this pace, Obama may be followed by your late local news.
8:20: Chip Reid: Why haven’t you changed Washington in three weeks? I believed in hope!
8:21: Obama: But, little Chip, you’ve got to believe! … Right after I ramrod stimulus through.
8:23: There are good Republicans (Senators from Maine) and bad Republicans (everyone else).
8:24: The prez takes a good whack at the GOP for its fiscal responsibility being hypocritical.
8:25: You totally made it sound like retrofitting buildings will make money fall from the sky …
8:26: Apparently part of the stimulus involves handwriting training for doctors. Awesomeness.
8:27: Damn, South Carolina. You just can’t give that old school up, can you? Got that warm nostalgia for stuff that slavery built?
8:30: Obama tries to thread another needle: “People need to spend money now! But they need to save it! … Just not right now!”
8:32: Yeah, when we’re coming out of this, I’d love to see you impose fiscal austerity right before midterms. That will happen.
8:35: Obama: C’mon guys, I can’t spend more bailout money until I spend the bailout money I already have! I’m just a man!
8:37: Wait, crazy reporter dude, are you suggesting, um, accountability? Obama: What’ll it take to get you into an RV today?
8:38: It’ll be fixed when it’s fixed. You’re getting all Yogi Berra on us …
8:40: Oh, CNN man, don’t you look earnest. Are you suggesting we end both wars? That’s craziness! But that’s just prologue into his big question about the media blackout at the Dover AFB mortuary. Obama dodges.
8:42: Obama actually understands foreign policy nuance! I’m getting all warm and tingly.
8:44: We have to work “smartly and efficiently but consistently” in Afghanistan. What?
8:45: Obama hints we may actually make banks use bailout money for, y’know, loans.
8:46: Imagine that … the Fox News guy with the off-the-wall question. Obama seems to be doing okay with covering for crazy things Biden says. Get used to it, pal. He wraps up with a … crazy smile.
8:48: Ha! A-Rod question! Called it! Obama trots out the “Won’t somebody please think of the children!” angle in the least surprising moment of his presidency to date.
8:49: How in blazes is Helen Thomas still alive? (She’s 88!) And did she just say “so-called terrorists” in reference to Al-Qaeda? And did you really think that you could get Obama to publicly acknowledge Israel’s nuclear arsenal?
8:52: Obama tries to thread another needle. You’re going to infuriate your base or the GOP here … suffice it to say that some mid-level officials may be dragged in front of Congress, but Cheney isn’t going to the Hague anytime soon.
8:54: Jonathan Martin from Politico looks like a goof as Mara Liasson asks him about bipartisanship. Obama’s all, “I’m trying here, girl! For the people of Elkhart!”
8:56: We have a president that … learns … lessons? I’m not sure how to deal with that information.
8:58: Okay, wait, I zoned out for a minute. How did we get to charter schools? This is … kinda crazy.
9:00: Ideological blockage. I think they have a pill for that now. If you have an erection for four or more hours, please call your doctor. Peace.
Internet 1, Fraud 0
Posted in Other on 9 February 2009 by JohnnySo I got a postcard today:
Well this sure does look suspicious, doesn’t it? No-name company with “good news” wants me to call them … Hm. There’s an address here. Enter Google Street View:
Oh, snap. “National Publishers – Earn Up To $30 Per Hour,” you say?
Yeah, that’s what I thought. FAIL, “F.R.C.” HA-ha! [/Nelson Muntz]
Liveblogging the Super Bowl Post-Pregame Show
Posted in Sports on 1 February 2009 by Johnny6:20: We’re getting down to crunch time here, people. The flight crew from US Airways 1549 just got what might be the wildest reception of the night and Jennifer Hudson is now butchering the national anthem. Did anyone from Arizona travel to see this game? This might as well count as a road game for the Cardinals. And yes, take a deep breath and realize that, seriously, THE ARIZONA CARDINALS ARE IN THE SUPER BOWL. AND I ACTUALLY PICKED THEM TO WIN. Cats and dogs living together, people.
6:22: Are you fucking serious? The economy is so bad that Americans’ best chance for career advancement is being an Avon lady? Wow.
6:24: Wow, NBC Monday night lineup. That’s … kinda depressing. And I do, totally, want a Hyundai Genesis.
6:28: I think people have seen a coin before, referee dude. And 12 straight NFC coin flip wins is very weird.
6:30: I guess Hines Ward is kind of a gamer … though I’m not sure how what was just described isn’t blood doping. Meanwhile, did the sideline reporter seriously just reference F. Scott Fitzgerald? I’m not sure whether to be excited or disturbed. And did you know that this is a special presentation of the National Football League? Who knew?
6:32: Neil Rackers, pending hero of the game (per my predictions), kicks it away. Let’s do it.
6:33: Well that’s not an inspiring start for the Arizona secondary. What the hell was that, man?
6:36: There’s the Arizona defense. Too bad they waited until Pittsburgh got to the one-yard line.
6:37: I seriously won’t be able to cope with a Steeler blowout win, as a native Clevelander …
6:38: Damn. Wait, are you sure he got in? That lineman totally pulled him in, if he did at all.
6:39: Alright, interesting challenge. And yeah … the “drinkability” campaign is BY FAR my least favorite current series of advertisements.
6:41: This Audi ad featured the exact same highway ramp as a VW ad. Because there’s not enough of those in America to be filmed, folks?
6:42: Hell yes. And what do the Steelers do? 4th and goal at the one foot line. I did not expect Tomlin to pansy out on me. 3-0, Steelers.
6:45: I’m not sure whether that Doritos ad was spectacular or horrible. Any thoughts, folks?
6:48: Nice catch by Breaston … and a holding call totally destroys any momentum. But if there’s any team that can convert 1st and 20 …
6:50: *gasps* And after that moment of panic, it looks like the Cardinals will just … slow down and play for field position. My goodness, this looks like a train wreck. Arizona looks so ridiculously out of phase. If Warner is jittery, then that whole team will have some issues.
6:52: Similar schizophrenic love-hate reaction to that Conan bit. How is he already hackneyed and played out before he even gets to take over Leno’s show?
6:53: NBC doesn’t know how many dimensions exist. Good job.
6:54: Santonio Holmes with another huge gain … and Cromartie bails the rest of his team out for the time being. Too bad there aren’t 11 of him.
6:56: John Madden seems way too surprised by a relatively standard dime formation.
6:57: What. The. Hell? How did that play happen? Kind of a poor man’s Manning-to-Tyree. Pittsburgh follows that up with a poorly conceived direct snap to Willie Parker (the Wildcat is everywhere!).
6:59: Heath Miller just looks like he’s gliding through a bunch of children. Parker delivers another easy run straight through what is allegedly an NFL defense.
7:00: If Arizona can hold the Steelers to another field goal here, then I think we know Kurt Warner really does have a direct line to Jesus.
7:02: Who knew Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head had so many marital issues? And … you just take articles out of movie titles for sequels now?
7:03: Perhaps Ben Roethlisberger is less overrated than previously thought. That’s one hell of a stat line.
7:05: Probably not a bad time for a timeout. In other news, don’t make me tell you to go away, Will Ferrell.
7:07: And now I want to see … another goal line play on replay. Oh, never mind. 10-0 Pittsburgh. Yikes.
7:10: God, these are horrible. And, for God’s sake, Heroes is atotal ripoff of, and worse than, The 4400!
7:13: Arizona starts out pinned … and this re-whatever-the-fuck-it-is of Star Trek does look interesting.
7:15: Alright. Warner needs to establish a rhythm with the check-down options. And again. Once he gets in the saddle, expect a bomb to Fitzgerald in pretty short order.
7:16: Clearly, Arizona has decided that, fuck it, we threw all year. Who needs a running game to win a Super Bowl? (Answer: everyone, ever.)
7:18: One washed-up veteran completes yet another pass to another washed-up veteran. Yay, conventional wisdom!
7:19: And another drive is dismembered by a holding penalty. Ick. … Unless it isn’t.
7:20: Anquan Boldin, boys and girls. The Cardinals are back! Blowout averted, y’all.
7:21: What the hell was that? Well, maybe the least graceful TD pass in Super Bowl history. Looks damn pretty in the box score, though. 10-7 Steelers.
7:23: Hell yes. THAT is a Super Bowl ad! Props to you, cars.com. That was awesome.
7:25: That is way more analysis of footwork than is appropriate, in all honesty.
7:27: Geez, Wilson. Careful pal. Cromartie, meanwhile, bails them out AGAIN.
7:29: That play will be in NFL referee instructional films as an example of holding.
7:30: You … you don’t know what “flash” usually means as a verb, do you John?
7:31: What a return! Breaston is just exceptional … what a block by #92 there.
7:33: Mmmph. You gotta have better pocket awareness than that, Warner. You stepped up right into a sack. Gah. Looks like the return will go for naught in terms of points on the scoreboard.
7:35: Don’t make me close my account, E*Trade. Stop it. Seriously.
7:38: Solid punt coverage there. Beware dramatic disparities in special teams performance …
7:39: Fuck drinkability. Seriously. Arizona needs to avoid overpursuing or they’ll get burned.
7:41: Turnovers. Special teams … and turnovers.
7:45: Wow, did that screen pass ever get pulled out of their ass. Tim Hightower anchored my run to fantasy football mediocrity this season.
7:48: Another timeout. Go commercial barrage!
7:49: Very smooth delivery. Warner is in the zone.
7:50: It almost always amazes me when a WR screen works. They never look like they will.
7:52: Kill me. Kill me now. I need some whiskey. 17-7.
7:55: What a play by Harrison but … fuck. Not even the songsmanship of Bruce Springsteen is going to soothe this. Signing off for now …
8:22: Good job, Mr. Jersey. Bad job, overstock.com. (Carlos Boozer? A third-tier basketball player — and a liar at that — in a horrid ad.)
8:30: Alright. Pretty obviously, Arizona needs to put points up on this drive. Story of the first half: Luck giveth and luck taketh away.
8:32: Cardinals offense is in high gear, Pittsburgh. Get out of the way or you’ll get run over. Arizona will get their points. It’s up to their defense to make sure that the Steelers don’t put any more on the board. That’s where the game will be decided.
8:35: There is no way — NO WAY — that was a fumble. Horrible call. This baby HAS to be reversed.
8:40: Okay. Pittsburgh’s pinned back but … Arizona needs to maintain momentum. Desperately.
8:42: You knew there would have to be a Cuba Gooding sighting here.
8:43: Wacky formation there. Is that? … Yeah. Penalty on Arizona …
8:48: Seriously? That’s a roughing the passer call? Fuck. You get the feeling that Pittsburgh may have an undeservedly lopsided victory. They haven’t outplayed Arizona, outside of the first quarter, but it may look like a rout in the box score. If Pittsburgh puts 7 on the board here, I don’t think even the vaunted Cardinal offense can come all the way back.
8:53: They finally buckled down after … I … nooo. Are you serious?
8:54: Okay, guy with the “Go Steelers! Barberton Ohio” banner … you realize you’re dead when you step foot back in Northeast Ohio, right?
8:55: Oh DAMN. Should’ve gotten your hands on that, Rolle. But no.
8:56: One more stop? Yes! Okay. Now stand totally still on this FG attempt, you hear me? Alright. 20-7.
8:58: Really? Transformers 2? Mmmph. Monster ads, on the other hand, have been pretty good tonight.
9:04: Nice easy first down. Time to stretch the field vertically …
9:05: Fourth quarter time. Well, Super Bowl MVP looks pretty clearcut right now, right? It’s going to be either James Harrison or Kurt Warner.
9:09: Okay, the refereeing of this game is getting shaky. Current penalty tallies: Pittsburgh 2 for 15 yards, Arizona 9 for 91 yards. Do you really think the Cardinals are playing that much dirtier?
9:13: Yeah. Like I said. Another phantom call there. This is kind of a fait accompli at this point. Fucking Steelers.
9:15: Maybe not. The defense finally knocked Roethlisberger down. Mercifully nobody hit the punter, but Breaston was run over like a freight train. Ugly field position, but crazier things have happened here, folks.
9:17: Coke Zero ad FTW. Awesome. In other news, both Ed McMahon and MC Hammer really need your help, America. Please don’t make them appear in ads for Cash 4 Gold. Hell, is Ed McMahon really still alive, or was that CGI?
9:19: Hey, it’s Larry Fitzgerald Sr.! Who saw that coming? Okay, all of you. Whatever. Meanwhile, Kurt Warner is moving the ball and making it happen — or, in the words of Al Michaels, “working with alacrity.” It’s Super Bowl vocabulary time!
9:21: Nice swing pass to Arrington … then another good completion to Fitzgerald. Finally, a penalty on Pittsburgh! That last happened sometime in 1997. Too bad it was declined.
9:22: Using that timeout may come back to haunt the Cards. (Oh, wait. Pittsburgh called that.)
9:25: Well, you’re on the one. Two chances. And … touchdown! Yeah, that Fitzgerald guy is kinda good. We got a ballgame here. 20-14 … with plenty of time left.
9:27: Points for originality on the Hulu ad. Meanwhile, turning your Monday lineup into a musical is still disturbing, NBC.
9:29: So can you make the stop, Cardinals?
9:30: Well, it’s looking good so far. It would be awfully fitting for Arizona to pull a rabbit out of their hat to win it all, wouldn’t it? How else could this insane season end but with the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history? Here we go. Punt time.
9:32: So can you take the lead, Cardinals?
9:33: YES! McGruber! Yeah, I’m a nutcase.
9:34: Wow. Warner was 8 of 8 for 87 yards on the last drive. Put this guy in the damn Hall of Fame. And tack 15 onto that baby!
9:36: Breaston down the seam! Holy smokes!
9:38: Okay. Um, Warner? Calm the fuck down. Now here’s the problem: Two down territory or not? Do you kick a field goal?
9:40: No, you punt, but with 20 yards to go, the options are a bit short. Great special teams work but … ? And, um, Al? How is that huge? It ends up being a one-yard penalty.
9:42: Bloody hell. I am as much as nervous wreck here as I am during an Indians playoff game. Here we go, Cardinals, here we go!
9:43: Um, are you sure that wasn’t a safety? Because … that so totally was. You could challenge that … it’s not like you’re likely to have another controversial play in the next minute, Whisenhunt.
9:44: Fuck! Holmes with … Or not!!! Safety! 20-16!!!
9:46: Okay, guys. 64 yards for glory. Make it happen.
9:48: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls over faint*
9:49: No words … should’ve sent a poet … wowww …
9:50: Okay now. 23-20 Cardinals. Now. Play. Defense.
9:52: He totally didn’t get that play off, but whatever.
9:53: Well. 1990s: horrible games, awesome ads. 2000s: awesome games, horrible ads. Make your choices accordingly.
9:55: Please, whatever happens, don’t let this go to overtime. Don’t let a coin flip settle this thing. Another catch …
9:58: Who’s 47 there? Damn. Well now we have a problem …
10:00: What the … what … I … there are no words. Damn it.
10:03: Yeah. It stands. 27-23. But you gave Arizona time …
10:04: … and do you doubt that it could happen? Honestly?
10:07: Fifteen seconds. Is there more magic in Kurt Warner?
10:08: No.
10:09: *sigh*
10:10: G’night.
Neoconservatism in One Sentence
Posted in Thought on 30 January 2009 by JohnnyReason, while at the Slamdance Film Festival (oh, aren’t y’all clever), filmed a short interview with the producers (and victims of the events) of Graphic Sexual Horror, a documentary about how Homeland Security shut down a hardcore bondage site by telling banks that it — and all such sites — was a terror front. The setup comes from someone who simply said:
Porn site operators. Funding terrorist groups. Do you think the people making that accusation actually believe it?
And the reply:
Violent pornography: tool of the devil. Islam: tool of the devil. [Seriously], think about who you’re talking about for a second. To some very special people, evil is an active entity with a single root and merely several earthly manifestations. It’s like playing spiritual whack-a-mole with the universe.
FTW. Explains a lot, no? You don’t actually have to establish that two things are connected — let’s say, purely hypothetically, terrorists in caves in Afghanistan and a secular dictatorship in Arabia — if you can assert that they are both evil. In fact, they don’t even have to be evil; one can be merely scary and poorly understood. This may actually be the worst thing that W. did to this country; he denounced the pesky reality-based community and chose to run the nation through cognitive dissonance. Americans had a poor grasp of critical thought as it was; instead of a leader challenging them to overcome it, Bush decider-ized his way through that pesky obstacle known as analysis and the general public has not grasped that that is why his presidency was such an abject failure.
This pseudo-logic extends to unrelated public policy hysterias. If you can merely assert that child molestation is more common now than it used to be (which is surely untrue but has the veneer of legitimacy because it receives more public attention than in previous times) and that teh Interwebz are all crazy somehow and getting crazier, you can get Congress to try and run MySpace out of business. This also means that anecdotal evidence (“the best kind of evidence,” ma cherie says) gains just as much legitimacy as, y’know, evidence; this, of course, leads to agonizingly painful arguments like “My baby got vaccinated and now s/he has autism so that’s what caused it!” actually being treated as viable by the gullible, Applebee’s-fed masses.
This is also how Sarah Palin will be your next president.
(Of course, this is from the guy that predicted this would be Day 11 of the Edwards Administration, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.)
(Just don’t say you weren’t warned, America. Be afraid.)
The 5th Annual Rust Belt Raconteur Super Bowl Prediction Post
Posted in Sports on 29 January 2009 by JohnnyTiebreaker time. I have been extremely accurate on two occasions, while the other two attempts have been wildly inaccurate (see here). Given that this is an odd-numbered game, though, I like my chances.
On one side, we have the battle-tested Pittsburgh Steelers, who went 12-4 through a brutal schedule and sport a full-on revival of the vaunted Steel Curtain defense. On the other side, we have the Arizona Cardinals, one of the most preposterous Super Bowl participants ever after bumbling their way down the stretch to a 9-7 record with a markedly easier slate of opponents. Both have quarterbacks with a title ring, though Ben Roethlisberger got his largely in spite of his performance three years ago, while Kurt Warner — the most famous former shelf-stocker in the world — orchestrated the Greatest Show on Turf to capture the title nine years back with an equally preposterous St. Louis Rams squad.
So how does it go down?
1ST HALF: The Steelers deliver emphatically on their first drive with a long, efficient series that milks that clock and results in a touchdown pass to tight end Heath Miller. Later, a Roethlisberger fumble gives Arizona excellent field position; they are unable to move the ball from there, but Neil Rackers connects on a long field goal. To start the second quarter, the Cardinals mount a drive, thanks to a strong running effort from Edgerrin James, but a holding penalty gets the offense moving in reverse and leads to a punt. It appears as though the teams will go to the locker room at 7-3, but a deep bomb to Nate Washington gets Pittsburgh deep into Arizona territory and Mewelde Moore runs in a late score to push the halftime margin to Steelers 14, Cardinals 3.
3RD QUARTER: Upon receiving the kick, Kurt Warner engineers a surprisingly run-heavy drive, though one keyed by an Anquan Boldin juggling catch to convert a third and long, though it stalls in the red zone and Arizona is forced to settle for a field goal. The teams then trade a number of three-and-outs throughout the quarter. But then, late in the quarter, Steve Breaston electrifies the Arizona fans when he runs a booming punt back, weaving through the Pittsburgh coverage team for a touchdown. Going into the fourth quarter, the hefty halftime margin is cut to a single point: Steelers 14, Cardinals 13.
4TH QUARTER: Adrian Wilson picks off a Roethlisberger pass to halt a Pittsburgh drive that was poised to net at least a field goal attempt. The ensuing drive stalls, but an excellent punt and a subsequent defensive stand gets Arizona the ball with excellent field position. Warner throws three consecutive completions to Larry Fitzgerald to set up a three-yard plunge by Tim Hightower to put the Cards in the lead. With eight minutes remaining in the game, Big Ben takes the reins and executes a methodical drive of short passes and Willie Parker runs. The strain on the Arizona defense becomes apparent as the yards come in larger and larger chunks. With 1:45 left, Roethlisberger hits Hines Ward on a fade route for the touchdown. But with all three timeouts remaining, Kurt Warner puts himself into the Hall of Fame with a remarkable performance: six completions on seven attempts for 53 yards in 97 seconds. Neil Rackers, with four seconds remaining and the Super Bowl in the balance, does not pull a Scott Norwood; the kick splits the uprights. There’s your final, folks: Cardinals 23, Steelers 21. Go crazy, Cardinals Nation Province Principality Rural County!
UPDATE: Oh, Internet, you’re screwing with me. Will Leitch, editor emeritus of sports blog Deadspin and noted fan of the Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals, totally predicted the exact same score roughly 16 hours after me. And has a childhood dream to back it up. And cited his disgust with the Slate piece that I tweeted about here. Honestly, slightly disturbing.
Obama’s Inaugural Address
Posted in Other on 20 January 2009 by JohnnyForty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbears, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land—a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.
Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America— they will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted—for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things—some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions—that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act—not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions—who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them—that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works—whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account—to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day—because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control—and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart—not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort—even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.
For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus—and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West—know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.
As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment—a moment that will define a generation—it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends—hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism—these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility—a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence—the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed—why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive … that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
The Inauguration Liveblog
Posted in News on 20 January 2009 by Johnny10:30: Can you believe this crowd? It’s impossible to comprehend standing out in the frigid cold for as long as nine hours. The area between the Capitol and the Washington Monument is full, accounting for 1.5 million people. This may well end up being the largest gathering of Americans in history — a record currently held, of course, by the 2004 parade through the streets of Boston celebrating a Red Sox title (3.2 million). On a “percent of a country” basis, though, I doubt that anything will ever top Pope John Paul II’s Mass at Phoenix Park in Dublin, when one-third of Ireland showed up. Yes, really.
10:35: All in all, this ought to be a hell of a speech, at least stylistically. You get the sense that this is the moment Barack Obama has spent his entire life building toward, his entire set of skills coming together in a single 17-minute explosion of oratory.
10:45: Well, I’m glad that Ted Kennedy could make it. Meanwhile, Chris Matthews compares the outgoing president’s family to the Romanoffs and the stock market is sliding significantly. How many minutes after noon will it be before a right-winger blames it on Obama? The presidents are getting into their limo to the Capitol as I type.
10:55: Gov. Paterson spins like a madman as Andrea Mitchell grills him over Caroline Kennedy. I mean, c’mon, someone needs to inject some politics into this. As the motorcade proceeds, there are apparently tens of thousands of people more spread out along Pennsylvania Avenue. Apparently, when you’re the president, you get the #1 license plate. Makes sense, I suppose, but don’t they usually have all sorts of decoy vehicles for security reasons?
11:00: One hour left. The principals are filing on into a “holding room” in the Capitol while all sorts of dignitaries take their places on the podium. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many formal hats in anything that’s not a movie set in the ’50s, but I guess you can’t just show up to an inauguration in a knit cap.
11:10: Okay, the national colors apparently come with an oompah band. Who knew? And who did they get to be the announcer?
11:20: The procession of former presidents is underway. They cut away to the crowd again … two million people waving miniature flags
is quite a sight. Madness. And …
11:30: That was my father. Not too much political ranting, thankfully.
It is, however, snowing quite a bit in Myrtle Beach.
11:35: Cheney gets wheeled onto a not-very-handicapped-accessible podium as Bush strolls out to the strains of ‘Hail to the Chief.’ There was a very slight bit of applause from … someone. We’re running a bit late here — are we going to have fifteen minutes of anarchy? Wooo!
11:40: What the hell are they playing for Biden? I guess the VP-elect doesn’t has a designated anthem … he only gets a little quiet interlude before they break out the big guns for Obama.
11:42: Well, those people accompanying the man of the hour are never going to have their names read aloud to that many people
ever again.
11:44: Here we go. Middle initial only here. He steps out there and exercises one of the most ubiquitous responsibilities of any president: Shaking the hands of people he doesn’t even know. The crowd chants his name. Will we get a wave? I’m thinking no.
11:45: “Please take your seats,” hm? You realize that only about 0.1% of these people have seats, right?
11:46: Dianne Feinstein takes the podium. In the mean time, here’s coverage from state media in Britain, France, Russia, Kenya, and China on the inauguration.
11:48: Rick Warren delivers the invocation in mind-blowingly grandstanding fashion. Take a sedative, man.
11:50: Okay, this is finally resembling a prayer. That’s encouraging.
11:52: You put way too much emphasis on the Obama daughters’ names there. We’re kinda on the clock here …
11:55: Um, Ms. Franklin? I’m not sure this is the time to go all crazy freestyle with “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee.”
11:57: Okay, here we go. Biden’s up first. You don’t have to scream.
11:58: Alrighty. Kinda what you expect from an oath. No sparklers.
12:00: They brought out the heavy hitters of classical music for this.
12:05: Excellent performance there. A cheer goes up from the crowd … Chief Justice Roberts comes out to administer the oath. And let’s hope that the lack of deftness displayed in that exchange isn’t a bad omen.
12:06: There you go. President Barack Obama. (Finally! Fireworks!)
12:07: On with the speech. Alright, here’s the boilerplate sort of stuff.
12:08: Well if we’re going to be picky, Grover Cleveland was both the 22nd and 24th President, so … you overshot it by one. Anyway.
12:09: BHO isn’t exactly hitting the high notes of inspiration early on.
12:10: But Barack (and the rest of us) is going to work on it, I guess. Kinda what we hired you for, after all.
12:12: America is, um, hard? Man, you are setting a very high bar for yourself here … You can do all that?
12:14: Who knew that anyone could make renewable energy policy sound so poetic?
12:15: Are we really going to end every ineffective government program? … Really?
12:17: And with that, the rest of the world will actually start listening to us again. Wonder how that’ll go.
12:19: Well that was pretty damn forceful. We are coming after you terrorist bitches.
12:21: Okay, honestly, I’m gonna need to read this later. It’s a bit hard to break down.
12:23: Who left their cell phone ringer on?! Sounds like this thing is wrapping itself up.
12:25: Did some Obama staffer do a Google search on “hope AND ‘george washington’”?
12:26: Well there you go. Empty rhetoric or carve-it-in-stone material? We shall see.
12:28: Really, is a poem necessary? Wasn’t the speech itself a poem? This comes across as something of a pale imitation. But, hey, how many chances do you get to advance national exposure to poetry?
12:32: Well that ended … abruptly. And another prayer, and such … Doesn’t it seem especially strange after Obama’s speech specifically noted non-believers as, y’know, existing? And from now on, no more use of the phrase “fiscal climate” in benedictions. I’m laying down the law on this.
12:37: This is getting … racist? Then again, this is town whose football team is still called the Redskins, right? Alright, enough of that.
12:38: Wooo, the Sea Chanters! Interesting choice to do the national anthem at the end. I guess we’re starting one long, four-year event.
12:40: And that’s your ballgame. The Obama Administration is on.
12:55: And off he goes, the former Presidents Bush onto the chopper and away.
12:56: Never to be heard from again. Or not. Still a crowded Mall there.
1:00: Well, I’m not gonna deliver a play-by-play of the parade. I’m out.
