Rust Belt Raconteur

Tiebreaker time. I have been extremely accurate on two occasions, while the other two attempts have been wildly inaccurate (see here). Given that this is an odd-numbered game, though, I like my chances.

On one side, we have the battle-tested Pittsburgh Steelers, who went 12-4 through a brutal schedule and sport a full-on revival of the vaunted Steel Curtain defense. On the other side, we have the Arizona Cardinals, one of the most preposterous Super Bowl participants ever after bumbling their way down the stretch to a 9-7 record with a markedly easier slate of opponents. Both have quarterbacks with a title ring, though Ben Roethlisberger got his largely in spite of his performance three years ago, while Kurt Warner — the most famous former shelf-stocker in the world — orchestrated the Greatest Show on Turf to capture the title nine years back with an equally preposterous St. Louis Rams squad.

So how does it go down?

1ST HALF: The Steelers deliver emphatically on their first drive with a long, efficient series that milks that clock and results in a touchdown pass to tight end Heath Miller. Later, a Roethlisberger fumble gives Arizona excellent field position; they are unable to move the ball from there, but Neil Rackers connects on a long field goal. To start the second quarter, the Cardinals mount a drive, thanks to a strong running effort from Edgerrin James, but a holding penalty gets the offense moving in reverse and leads to a punt. It appears as though the teams will go to the locker room at 7-3, but a deep bomb to Nate Washington gets Pittsburgh deep into Arizona territory and Mewelde Moore runs in a late score to push the halftime margin to Steelers 14, Cardinals 3.

3RD QUARTER: Upon receiving the kick, Kurt Warner engineers a surprisingly run-heavy drive, though one keyed by an Anquan Boldin juggling catch to convert a third and long, though it stalls in the red zone and Arizona is forced to settle for a field goal. The teams then trade a number of three-and-outs throughout the quarter. But then, late in the quarter, Steve Breaston electrifies the Arizona fans when he runs a booming punt back, weaving through the Pittsburgh coverage team for a touchdown. Going into the fourth quarter, the hefty halftime margin is cut to a single point: Steelers 14, Cardinals 13.

4TH QUARTER: Adrian Wilson picks off a Roethlisberger pass to halt a Pittsburgh drive that was poised to net at least a field goal attempt. The ensuing drive stalls, but an excellent punt and a subsequent defensive stand gets Arizona the ball with excellent field position. Warner throws three consecutive completions to Larry Fitzgerald to set up a three-yard plunge by Tim Hightower to put the Cards in the lead. With eight minutes remaining in the game, Big Ben takes the reins and executes a methodical drive of short passes and Willie Parker runs. The strain on the Arizona defense becomes apparent as the yards come in larger and larger chunks. With 1:45 left, Roethlisberger hits Hines Ward on a fade route for the touchdown. But with all three timeouts remaining, Kurt Warner puts himself into the Hall of Fame with a remarkable performance: six completions on seven attempts for 53 yards in 97 seconds. Neil Rackers, with four seconds remaining and the Super Bowl in the balance, does not pull a Scott Norwood; the kick splits the uprights. There’s your final, folks: Cardinals 23, Steelers 21. Go crazy, Cardinals Nation Province Principality Rural County!

UPDATE: Oh, Internet, you’re screwing with me. Will Leitch, editor emeritus of sports blog Deadspin and noted fan of the Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals, totally predicted the exact same score roughly 16 hours after me. And has a childhood dream to back it up. And cited his disgust with the Slate piece that I tweeted about here. Honestly, slightly disturbing.