Rust Belt Raconteur

8:00: Lock and load. Let’s see what the kid’s got.

8:02: I guess they got some folks to show up for this thing. Incidentally, this is a wonderful pitch for the Elkhart Chamber of Commerce. Who knew Indiana was a Third World country?

8:03: I don’t think people disagree that this is a crisis, Barack. We’re not stupid. That doesn’t mean they can’t disagree about the means to fix it.

8:04: So is there some website I can hit up to figure out whether I actually benefit from any of those tax cuts you just listed?

8:06: Wait. Are you sure 90% of the jobs created by this thing (assuming they actually exist) will be in the private sector? Isn’t a huge chunk of this aid to state and local governments? Y’know, like those teachers and firefighters you just talked about. In a perfect world, you’d use the money to force municipal consolidation, but I doubt anyone has even suggested that to you.

8:07: Really? No earmarks? You may have … a very, very narrow definition of earmarks. Reassuringly, you are not proclaiming this bill to be infallible. Frighteningly, that means you’re basically throwing this out there on a wing and a prayer, aren’t you?

8:08: If we don’t sign this thing by Friday … the world explodes! (Or we just won’t have a bill for a while. Did you know Congress gets a full week off for Presidents’ Day? WTF?)

8:10: Anyone think he’ll get an A-Rod question? Obama now tries to walk the fine line between “OMG we’re all gonna die! Fix it fix it fix it!” and “Don’t lose confidence, consumers!” Quite messy.

8:12: Is the president actually tacitly acknowledging the existence of libertarians? Shocking.

8:13: Wait. We’re $1 trillion short in consumption demand? Damn. That’s … a lot.

8:14: We were going to have the Geithner plan today, but it was pushed back for some reason. Why didn’t he show up for this thing too? Maybe he doesn’t want Joe Six-Pack to watch that unveiling.

8:15: We totally won’t know if this plan “saved” any jobs … because they’ll still be there. Was that just a five-minute answer? Wow.

8:17: Alright, Iran. Obama: “Iran is a country.” Glad we cleared that up. He seems uncharacteristically halting and unbalanced in giving pretty routine talking points here, basically saying that he’s new and it’s gonna take a little while. I don’t think he thought they were going foreign policy on question #2.

8:19: He’s still going with this. At this pace, Obama may be followed by your late local news.

8:20: Chip Reid: Why haven’t you changed Washington in three weeks? I believed in hope!

8:21: Obama: But, little Chip, you’ve got to believe! … Right after I ramrod stimulus through.

8:23: There are good Republicans (Senators from Maine) and bad Republicans (everyone else).

8:24: The prez takes a good whack at the GOP for its fiscal responsibility being hypocritical.

8:25: You totally made it sound like retrofitting buildings will make money fall from the sky …

8:26: Apparently part of the stimulus involves handwriting training for doctors. Awesomeness.

8:27: Damn, South Carolina. You just can’t give that old school up, can you? Got that warm nostalgia for stuff that slavery built?

8:30: Obama tries to thread another needle: “People need to spend money now! But they need to save it! … Just not right now!”

8:32: Yeah, when we’re coming out of this, I’d love to see you impose fiscal austerity right before midterms. That will happen.

8:35: Obama: C’mon guys, I can’t spend more bailout money until I spend the bailout money I already have! I’m just a man!

8:37: Wait, crazy reporter dude, are you suggesting, um, accountability? Obama: What’ll it take to get you into an RV today?

8:38: It’ll be fixed when it’s fixed. You’re getting all Yogi Berra on us …

8:40: Oh, CNN man, don’t you look earnest. Are you suggesting we end both wars? That’s craziness! But that’s just prologue into his big question about the media blackout at the Dover AFB mortuary. Obama dodges.

8:42: Obama actually understands foreign policy nuance! I’m getting all warm and tingly.

8:44: We have to work “smartly and efficiently but consistently” in Afghanistan. What?

8:45: Obama hints we may actually make banks use bailout money for, y’know, loans.

8:46: Imagine that … the Fox News guy with the off-the-wall question. Obama seems to be doing okay with covering for crazy things Biden says. Get used to it, pal. He wraps up with a … crazy smile.

8:48: Ha! A-Rod question! Called it! Obama trots out the “Won’t somebody please think of the children!” angle in the least surprising moment of his presidency to date.

8:49: How in blazes is Helen Thomas still alive? (She’s 88!) And did she just say “so-called terrorists” in reference to Al-Qaeda? And did you really think that you could get Obama to publicly acknowledge Israel’s nuclear arsenal?

8:52: Obama tries to thread another needle. You’re going to infuriate your base or the GOP here … suffice it to say that some mid-level officials may be dragged in front of Congress, but Cheney isn’t going to the Hague anytime soon.

8:54: Jonathan Martin from Politico looks like a goof as Mara Liasson asks him about bipartisanship. Obama’s all, “I’m trying here, girl! For the people of Elkhart!”

8:56: We have a president that … learns … lessons? I’m not sure how to deal with that information.

8:58: Okay, wait, I zoned out for a minute. How did we get to charter schools? This is … kinda crazy.

9:00: Ideological blockage. I think they have a pill for that now. If you have an erection for four or more hours, please call your doctor. Peace.